Tip Your Servers A-holes! Warning: Explicit Language

This is a topic I know a lot about and I'm going to preface this article with the fact that I spent my entire 20's in the service industry. I worked in various ridiculously busy restaurants and bars from Kansas to California to Hawaii. 

I know how hard servers work. I know how long they have to stay once the doors close. I understand the aching feet and grumbling stomaches after a shift ends. I remember the shift drink that tasted better than any other drink in the world. I recall, with vivid clarity, the bitchy customers of whom you could never please, and the chaos of drunk assholes wanting to split the bill 10 ways. 

Those men and women who serve you deserve every extra dollar you give... as a matter of fact, they deserve a lot, lot more. Anyone who thinks a server has it easy, has never been a server. It's hard, sometime humiliating and often times takes everything from you when the night is over.

To be a good server requires a lot of skills beyond simply taking and delivering orders. If you think that's the extent of a server's job, then go F yourself. If you think leaving 5 bucks on a 50 dollar tab is enough, then let me slap you in the face. 

In most states, a server's wage is at or way below minimum wage. Why it is legal to pay servers below minimum wage is beyond me. I couldn't care less if the argument is that servers receive tips for which makes up the difference. F-you. No industry should be legally allowed to pay below minimum wage. Period. End of story. I move on...

As a server, I had 10+ tables going at once in a bar that could have easily been shut down by the Fire Marshall for over capacity on a nightly basis. No matter how good you are, no matter how many years of experience you may have, you will inevitably miss and forget about people. Think serving 50+ by yourself all screaming at you for shots, beers, mixed drinks and food. One will be missed... or two or three, and for the record, it's never entirely our fault either. 

Servers have to work with the bartenders who, surprise-surprise, have a full bar themselves- sometime 5 deep. They have to work with the kitchen staff, who usually have more tickets than they know what to do with.... but the servers are always the ones to blame and the ones who bare the brunt of an angry (and usually drunk) patron of whom received the wrong drink or waited too long for their meal. 

Nonetheless, I didn't complain when I received a shitty tip from someone who was given shitty service. I knew I gave them shitty service and I deserved it. Yet, it was the ones I didn't miss who left me 10 dollars on a Benjamin sized tab that made me fume... 

I can't stand when someone rationalizes their actions for not tipping or tipping like an a-hole. Let me tell you just a few of my personal favorites:
1. Tipping is a gift- don't expect it.
2.  I don't believe in tipping.
3. You already get paid from the restaurant, why do I have to give you more?
4. I only tip on the food and not the drinks or tax. 
5. I ran out of money... sorry. 
Listen up cheap fucks- don't be that person. Don't be the person who justifies excuses to do the wrong thing.  

Let me shine some much needed light on this ever-so-touchy subject (pay attention- you might learn something): 

Here is what you are tipping for: 
1. To have someone bring you drinks and food while you sit on your ass and enjoy yourself. (We  want you to enjoy yourself... believe it or not, servers really do love their job). 
2. To have someone clean up after you and your friends or (our favorite) your kids. Leaving a huge mess of ground-up crackers on the floor, spilled drinks, 4000 napkins and disgusting drinks with little tiny bits of floating food in them- tip my friends, and tip well. 
3. When you leave a tip, it's never entirely ours. Let me repeat that. When you leave a tip, it's never entirely ours. At the end of the night, we have to tip out our bartenders, kitchen staff, bus boys/girls, security etc. and WE have to claim all of it on our taxes, even though we don't pocket every dollar. 
4. Most servers are college students or young people still trying to find their way. Living in a shitty apartment, driving a shitty car and trying to make ends meet. Support those people. Support the young trying to become something. Support the people who have jobs and are not mooching off the government or their parents or anyone else for that matter. Support the single mothers or fathers. Support them for not being thugs, drug dealers, robbers or any other scumbag asshole. 

Here is what you forgive:
Servers have bad days like the rest of us. However, most people have the advantage to isolate themselves in their little cubicle to deal with it. Not those who serve you. We have to put on a happy face and put up with your shit. 

I say this because you never know what a person is going through. My mom passed suddenly and after I took a week off of work, I had to go back. I cried in the back room at least twice a shift.... for a month. 

If your server isn't as, "happy" as you want them to be- cut them some fucking slack. They may be going through some serious shit and you being an asshole isn't helping. I don't care about excuses... be nice. I don't care about, "leave your problems at home"... be nice. 

Here is what you don't forgive (but still tip 10%): 
1. We have all see the server who sits in the corner talking/texting on her/his phone while your drink is empty or you have been waiting to order- Don't forgive that. 
2. The bitchy one who argues with you constantly (think Naomi from Waiting)- Don't forgive that. 
3. Really, really shitty service. This includes but is not limited to (FYI- 2 or more of these things need to happen in order to even be considered shitty service): 

• Never being checked on after food is dropped. 
• Being completely forgotten about.
• Waiting forever to order and not having the server come by to tell you she/he will be right with you while apologizing for the wait.
• Not being offered a refill on your drink/sitting with an empty drink for extended periods of time.         
• Pops attitude when you send food back because it's terrible. Personally, I only send food back when it's literally inedible... and don't you pop attitude either. 
• When you request something more than once. Need another straw? Fine... but if she/he forgets because they are busy. Ask again. If the second time still does not produce what you need then there's a problem. Good servers will drop what they are doing if it's requested a second time and get what you require.  

Moral of the story: If you plan to eat out, plan to tip. Don't make excuses, remember who these people are and for fuck sake be nice. 

Please feel free to comment on this article. I want to hear your stories as a server, if you have a different opinion than I or if you would like to add your 2 cents about tipping.

Tattoos... The Good... Bad... and WTF?

What do you think of when you hear the word tattoo? Pain? Beauty? Ugly? Mistake?

Sure, all of those have graced the bodies of many, many people. Tattoos, like art, run the gamut when it comes to the degree of amazing to terrible. I think tattoos are very personal (other than those drunken ones done on the spur of the moment and often regretted the next day). They are a piece of you and often tell a wonderful story of both happiness and utterly sad times. They represent beauty while simultaneously having an unjustified negative connotation. I mean, let's face it, only outlaws and thugs get tattoos, right?

Well, no, that is definitely not true. I have several and I am neither an outlaw nor a thug. I'm a blonde white girl who just happens to love body art. I appreciate it for everything it is- painful, gorgeous and incredibly intimate. From my experience, tattooed people are some of the nicest, most generous and kind people in the world. Sure, you have your dicks out there. You know... the ones who think they are holier than thou and are just bad-ass assholes. Yeah, those. However, the good ones far outweigh the bad.

I have put together some of the most amazing and not-so-amazing works of tattoo art for your enjoyment. This is the reason why you research your artist and make sure you know what type of commitment you are making.

I start with....

The good... ummmm... sorry, incredible:

My featured artist is Roman Abrego and he is my favorite photo realism tattoo artist. I had the pleasure of meeting him at the Pacific Ink and Art Expo this last summer. He is not only extremely talented, but such a nice man. His wife is spectacular too! It was my birthday and they gave me free signed merchandise! It was awesome.

A few more amazing tattoos from various artists:

  

Get ready... here are the bad, and they are really, really bad. Can you imagine walking around with these atrocities every day? I shudder to think... 

                  

And now I give you the WTF? These tattoos are beyond bad... they actually make you say, "What the F where these people thinking?"

                                           

Christmas Pancakes for the Health Nut

I love food that makes you fat. Carbs... love'em. Fat... Loooove it! Sugar.... yes, please. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Fat and carb filled sugar is delicious. If anyone knows me well, they know that passing up a donut is as difficult for me as saying no to 1 million bucks. 

It's simply not fair. Just like the universal imbalance of how youth is wasted on the young, so is the irony of delicious food making you fat. Ooooohhh the injustices of the world... I shake my head. 

Lately, I have been on quite the quest of trying to close the veil between delicious and healthy. Tirelessly striving to make the two more synonymous with each other. I do believe there are ways to trick your mind and taste buds into thinking you are eating something that you should probably feel a little bit guilty about. 

Today I have proudly conquered yet another recipe and have successfully come up with a beautiful trick for the oh-so-delicious pancake! With a few key substitutions, these pancakes taste amazing and are sooooo satisfying.... I know because I ate them this morning. 

I give you: The Christmas Pancake! They are made with cinnamon and Eggnog to get you into the holiday spirit! They would make for a great breakfast on Christmas Day for unwanted... errr...I mean... wanted family houseguests. 

Recipe for: Christmas Pancakes for the Health Nut

What you will need:
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour 
2 tablespoons coconut sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon 
1 tablespoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 3/4 cups reduced fat Egg Nog (if you don't like Eggnog you can sub milk, almond milk or soy milk)
1 large egg
3 tablespoons coconut oil
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla

Directions: 
In a large bowl- mix flour, coconut sugar, cinnamon, baking powder and salt. Set aside. 
In a microwave safe bowl (you can do this on the stove too)- heat Eggnog to lukewarm. 
In a medium bowl- add coconut oil, Eggnog, vanilla and egg. Whisk well to combine. 

In the bowl with the flour mixture make a well in the center. Pour your wet ingredients into your dry and mix with a fork. The batter will be rather thick. Mix until combined and only small lumps are left- do not over mix. 

At this point, you can add fruit or nuts if you like. Walnuts, bananas, blueberries, apple compote... the list is endless. Be creative! 

When ready, heat skillet and use a small amount of butter to coat the pan (if you are not anti Pam, use butter flavored Pam to reduce calories). Spoon in batter to make a 4"circle. Since the batter is so thick, use the back of the spoon to spread it out. Wait until edges are lightly brown and bubbly.... flip. Cook an additional 1-2 minutes. 

I hope you enjoy these pancakes! Please leave comments if you make them and tell me how they turned out!

Happy Holidays! 

Being Sick Sucks!

Ugh... I've been sick for the past 3 days. Face feels like it has been run over by a semi. My throat feels like creepy tiny people are scraping at it with sharp razor blades. Chest is on fire. I. Am. Miserable. 

Here are a few of my tried-and-true home remedies that can help curb the symptoms of a cold: 

1. If you are over 21- Drink hot toddies. Seriously. There are many, many recipes for these miracle drinks but I like this one the best- Hot water or tea, one shot of whiskey, lemon slices squeezed and then added to the drink, cinnamon, honey and pepper. Stir. Enjoy. It works wonders. 

2. Eat soup. I know, I know I'm not reinventing the wheel here. However, eating soup while sick induces a sense of nostalgia. Remember how good it felt when your mom would give you soup in bed when you were sick? It reminds you of that feeling and you will instantly feel better. 

3. Cuddle up with someone- if they let you. One of the best ways to feel better when miserable is to have human contact. Lay in the lap of your significant other, spoon or hold hands. You will immediately feel less pain. 

Don't have a significant other? Don't worry.... dogs and cats make great cuddle buddies or call your bestie. They must owe you for something... 

4. Sleep. A no brainer, right? Well... not so much. Many of us have crazy lives which gives little room to take proper care of ourselves. We work... have kids... family... projects... etc. 

Stop it. Stop it right now... and sleep. You will never be 100% if you don't take care of yourself first. Your sickness will be prolonged and mostly you will spread it to others. 

Ask someone for help. You will be surprised at how many people are actually willing to help you. 

There you have it. My simple but very effective home remedies for a cold. I'm going to go take my own advice and start with #1..... end with #4. Gulp, slurp, mmmmm, Zzzzzzz..... 

Have Skeletons In Your Closet?.... Whisper Them.

Have a secret? Need to vent? Then the Whisper app is for you. I'm pretty much known to jump on band wagons late- never at the wheel or first in line. This app has been around for 2 years and only graced my iPhone since last week...I can't put it down. You can say I'm sorta obsessed. 

I don't know what I love more. The fact that it's completely anonymous or the absolutely ridiculous funny whispers I read. It could be that it is a bit therapeutic. I've posted whispers that I would never say out loud and it makes me feel good. It's like drunk dialing without all of the consequences. 

Here's how it works: You download the app to your phone. Write a secret. Press next. The app will then try to find a picture that corresponds with your whisper. If the pic they choose is not right, simply press the search button at the bottom to swipe for more photos or type in what you want in the search. You can also upload your own photo! Once you found your splendid image tap the image. Now you can play with the word placement by moving the words around with your finger or change the type by tapping on the Aa button at the bottom. Once perfected, tap post. 

There you have it. Your first whisper. People can heart it or reply... super fun. The app also gives you your own screen name which is usually pretty funny. 

There are a couple of problems I have with the app. First, and I think this is just because I'm married, there is a chat section. Every time I post a whisper, some horny douchebag sends me a chat. It's annoying but I ignore them and wait for the hearts and replies to roll in. 

Second, this app has a demographic age group between 18-24. Being over 30, myself, some of the whispers I read are pretty juvenile. However, you can take it all with a grain of salt. Have fun and read what you want. You can even see whispers in your area- which is a total blast. 



There's a lot more too the app than what I'm talking about in this post. Play around with it, find what fits for you and whisper all of your dirty little thoughts and secrets... 

Here are some of my favorite whispers: 

 

 

Update on Photography Experiment:

There has been a lot of interest... I think I have about 6 participants now, and there will be a surprise when the final post is posted. Follow me to stay up-to-date on all things crazy, funny, fun and bizarre. 

Until next time... 

The Best Cookies You Will EVER Have With The Least Amount Of Guilt!

 I call these cookies: The Game Changer 

A delicious blend of chocolate chips, coconut oil, whole wheat flour, coconut sugar and more... 

Oh my DEAR GOD... I think I just invented the best damn cookie on the planet. Okay... Maybe I over exaggerated a tad here, but not by much. Bake my fellow readers and you shall reap the benefits and spoils of this magnificent recipe. 

Backstory: I love to bake. Actually, I have had people chase me around asking for recipes- my secret recipes- for years. I'm pretty good at it. I am also somewhat of a health-nut. I have had great success baking healthy treats in the past and the thought of baking healthy chocolate chip cookies seemed like a challenge I wanted to conquer. 

Today I won. My two and a half year old daughter gobbled them up and was none the wiser. They have a great flavor with an ever-so-slight hint of coconut. No butter. No white sugar. All flavor! 

And now I give you: The Game Changer

Ingredients:
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup old-fashioned rolled oats 
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
3/4 cup unrefined virgin coconut oil
3/4 cup coconut sugar
1/3 cup dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 tsp. vanilla 
12 oz. chocolate chips

Directions:
*Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. 
*In a medium bowl combine- flour, oats, baking soda and salt. 
*In a large bowl or kitchen-aid add- coconut oil and sugar. Mix for 3 minutes or so until well combined. Beat in eggs- one at a time. Add vanilla. 
*On low speed add flour mixture a little at a time- scraping sides if necessary. Blend well. Add chocolate chips (or any other thing you want). 

*Spoon onto a baking sheet and place 2 inches apart. 
*Bake for 7 minutes. (Baking times may vary. I live in Hawaii and the humidity affects my baking times). If you are not sure, set your timer for 5 minutes and check. The edges should be brown and the middle a bit gooey. 
*After baking, place each one on a cooling rack and enjoy! 

Let me know how they turned out and if you made any adjustments. I'm going to say this in advance:You are welcome.

The Funny... The Bizarre... And The Downright Must Check Out Gift Ideas Under 20 Bucks

Well, here we are again. In a flash, another year has almost pasted before our eyes and it's that time again. Yup, only 17 days until the chaos of this holiday season is over.

Soon Christmas Day will be upon us. The day where tons of wrapping paper gets stuffed into garbage bags, dysfunctional family fun begins, a holiday meal that will leave you bloated while simultaneously wishing you didn't eat that extra piece of holiday pie and drinking.. lots of drinking.... lots and lots of drinking. Am I right?

To breakup the craziness of this time of year, I have so generously compiled a list of some fantastically humorous gifts for the ones you love, because nothing says, "I love you" quite like the list below!

I have included a link to where you can purchase these beauties... and no... none of these companies have hired me to promote their products.... This is a pro bono list from me to you!

1. Because cooking fresh bacon just isn't convenient. So give them the gift of bacon candy- Where's the egg candy to go with this?

Buy This Item

2. Okay... this one I love. It's funny and useful. 

Buy This Item

3. If you want to completely freak out your children (your God given right) this is a perfect stocking stuffer. 

Buy This Item

4. Chia Uncle Si... YES! 

Buy This Item

5. My personal favorite. I actually want a pair for myself to slowly crawl into bed with my husband all sexy... lights off... 

Okay... well, unfortunately these are not available... but they should be! 

6. Mmmmmmm the toilet mug. Nothing says, "Good Morning" quite like drinking straight from a toilet. 

Buy This Item

7. I have a lovely twisted sense of humor. This will be in my shower. 

Buy This Item

8. The stocking stuffer to beat all stocking stuffers... besides the Unicorn meat above, of course. 

Buy This Item

9. Yes my friends, you have read this correctly. However, be forewarned... buying this for your hubby or significant other will result in longer showers and greater water bills. 

Buy This Item

10. Last but certainly not least! The lamp from A Christmas Story. I watch that movie every year around this time. For those of you who are diehard fans, like myself, throw this in to a stocking and watch the reaction! 

Buy This Item

** Update for Photography Experiment: 

We have one person participation so far. If you are interested, please send me an email at: NakedEyesPhotography@gmail.com

We need 9 more! I promise this will be fun!

Photography Experiment

One of the many things I do is create photography art. Get ready for the shameful plug- I have an Etsy shop at www.NakedEyes.etsy.com. It's mostly travel photography and flowers. Definitely worth a visit- but hey, I'm pretty bias over here. Here are a few of examples of my work (I promise this post is not entirely about me):

  

Last night while sippin' on my Egg Nog and Maker's Mark (a must try if you like Egg Nog), I got to thinking about photo editing and how each photographer will edit a photo differently- giving way to the creative aspect of photography beyond lenses, cameras and environments. 

With modern-day technology, photo editing tools such as PhotoShop, OnOne Software and the endless other photo transformation software available is only a click away. I couldn't help but wonder, what would happen if I gave an unedited photo to 10 different photographers and see what they would do with it? No doubt I would receive 10 completely different versions of the same photo. Are you intrigued yet? 

So here's my proposal: Calling all photographers (professional, amateur and hobbyist alike) who would like to participate in this experiment. It pays nothing (We're use to that, eh?). However, your name and website will be added to this blog. I know, I don't have that many followers yet- but hey, how cool would it be to be apart of such an experiment? 

The Rules:

1. If you would like to participate, please send me an email to: NakedEyesPhotography@gmail.com. I will then send you the photo as a 300dpi file. 

2. You may not use this photo (edited or not) for personal monetary gain or claim any rights to the photograph. 

3. You have full creative control.

4. Once you have finished editing, please send the edited photograph to: NakedEyesPhotography@gmail.com. Include your name, your title for the piece, website and country of origin. (I highly encourage many international participants). 

5. I will then blog about the results once I receive enough entries. 

6. I will also not use your edited versions for monetary gain or claim any rights to your edited photo. (Only fair, right?)

7. You are allowed to share this blog and the post with your final edited photo. As a mater of fact, I extremely support it! 

Here is the photo to be edited. It was taken at Hanalei Bay on the island of Kauai. This photo has not been altered or cropped in any way: 

Please subscribe to this blog and follow me to see the followup post about this experiment. I'm not sure how long it will take to acquire the photographers and receive the individually edited versions. I have cross posted about this experiment- So if you want to be included, don't dilly-dally. I'm only accepting 10 entries. 

Feel free to comment below. Have an additional idea for this experiment? I'm all ears. 

Welcome Post

Hey everyone out there in cyber land looking at blogs and probably eating Cheetos. Oh wait, that's just me. Nom-nom-nom

This blog is brand smack-your-mamma new. I will be posting often about randomness. From belly laughs to belly busters (recipes), this is my outlet to speak everything and anything I want.

So follow me if you dare. Comment on anything- with anything. It should be fun... Enjoy the ride.